Darling,

What happened to us? You probably wouldnt believe this, but i love you. Nevertheless being with you is ruining us both. It has to end now. It refuse to let it come to a point where exit is the last resort.  I do this with the hope of one day becoming something to you again.

I will miss you so much.. i already do.

One and a half tablet of Depakote everynight.

I sacrificed and almost lost all that i so desperately cling on to now, when i thought that it would mean getting closer to you. It may be because of so many things. It may have been a lonely childs thoughtless attempt of  reaching out, or me trying to pick up whats left of a twisted fairy tale i assured myself we were supposed to have. It may be because of the silly notion that having you would turn my life around.

How does "happy" feel like? I used to think that ridding myself of depression would get the answer to that. I was a happy person once, after all. Once, before it was masked with anguish, pain, anger and confusion over things i do not really understand. And one and a half tab of Depakote everynight removes the violent mood swings, but its never the same. I just feel empty. I wonder. Could it be that ive never been actually happy? No. I refuse that idea.

After all, you did turn my life around.

Empathy

The very little and seemingly unsignificant things which we have chosen to do in the past are those which define us. These are what builds a friendship, words you give away full of empathetic ardor. And at that time you were only trying to help, and no, you didnt save her life, but maybe, just maybe, you saved her soul. That alone is enough.

I should know, its happend to me more than once before. Thank you.

http://tabulas.com/~sophismata

     I cant breathe. I am so mad, but i cannot, should not let it out. Not even a trace of anger or sadness should be seen. I have to act, pretend that it doessnt matter. But it does. I swallow back the tears and the comebacks i have in mind. I have to accept the fact that no matter what i do, you still will be the victor. I am tired, but giving up would make it worse. My mind fills up with ideas, some good some i should not even begin to fathom, on how i would get back at you. My god, you have no idea what your doing to me. You are breaking me, stripping me of whatever hope i have left that everything will be okay.

     The tears are coming back.

     I know, yes, i know all too well that i have made a lot of mistakes. Yes, i have done very awful things and i know it hurt you, maybe more than it hurt others. But, if you just take time to relax and see how hard im trying to make everything right, then maybe, just maybe, there is still a chance for this.

     Dont. Never tell me who i should and should not be with. You have no idea. Step down from your pedestal, youll see how you turn things around. You pride prevents you from seeing whats infront of you. You once told me that a man should never be judged by reputation and i believed you. How can you, of all people, do the opposite?

     I long for the day when i finally become free of this. Free of you.

     I miss thinking and being able to string together coherent sentences which other people actually understand. I miss using real words, words which are acceptable and understandable. I miss talking to people and actually making sense. I miss myself not babbling, laughing like a ditz calling everyone i know "girlfriend". So yes, I miss my life before i ruined it.

     Some say im better off, they say im in a better situation now. Im not meant for this. I wouldnt be this fucking miserable if i was. You know not what i feel, how i think, stop acting otherwise. Believe in me, know that i am destined for greater things.

     I guess this was part of the lesson. You cannot possibly imagine how i feel every morning, or for the matter, every waking moment i remember, what i might have thrown away. I am so desperately hoping that i get a chance at it again.

     Just because you say i never mention you in my blogs, Hi babe.=)